You're not afraid of the dark, are you?...

Not afraid.

Just aware.

Aware of the creatures lurking about in the darkness. 

They're always there. They are what you carry with you, in you.

You shouldn't be afraid.. they're harmless. Until you decide to run.

No, not afraid. 

Just aware.

I don't mind walking right into that darkness.

But not before I really have to.

 

All I have to offer

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

My mind spins. You made it spin. The way you looked straight into my eyes when the dam that held your emotions in broke down, letting the flood of feelings loose dumbfounded me. The simplicity of the words overwhelmed me. The purity of the moment cut me in half.

And I hate how I 'm unable to focus on anything. I hate how I keep second-guessing my own decisions. I hate how it doesn't seem to be enough that you already have your answer. Not enough for you. Not enough for me.

And you've set things in motion, this much is true. Things that I'd long forgotten existed. That I thought weren't even there. Or real. And for that, I know I owe you.

But the passing of years upon years alone has taken its toll...

How can I convince my feet to walk on the ground when my mind is always in search of its place among the clouds?

How can I settle for the peaceful bubbling of the stream when every inch of me yearns for the wild, boisterous ocean?

How can I live in the light when the night keeps beckoning me?

How can I make do with what I have when my heart craves for so much more?

How can I ever stay, when I'm already gone?..



See, how I can't seem to tear my eyes off of the faraway horizon they're so firmly fixed on...

See, I can't spare one single glance to look at myself in the mirror.

I can't even look in your eyes for the fear of what I might find there; for fear of seeing the reflection of what I've become.

I never said it was fair. But this one truth is all I have to offer.

mood swings

who knows, who cares.

why my mind never seems to be able to rest for the slightest minute
why my feet tingle to spring, fists poised to strike
why my voice struggles for the scream to be heard
eyes ablaze to see

what an incomprehensible notion
life being this absurd conjunction of reality and dream
being trapped between half-truths and full lies

why does my existence ache to flee when I'm stranded here
why do my eyes gaze at the horizon like that's where I belong
how can I miss things I've never seen

perhaps I've met you in another lifetime, and the faded memory still haunts me.
maybe it's your distant whisper, carried with the cosmic winds over the ages, that I hear
I may have passed you by walking down the street and never knew it was you.
no... not likely. I would have known. I would have definitely known.

who knows, who cares
not even me.
especially not me.

What have you got at the end of the day...

...blinds on the windows
and a pain behind your eyes...

Funny? dream

I suddenly found myself driving my dad's decrepit faded blue '84 Nissan Sunny. I know this car like the palm of my hand; I learned how to drive in it -a very interesting experience, especially for the poor car- but this time was different, something was very wrong. The pedals where... wrong, like they'd been tampered with, cross-wired. The clutch was the gas, the gas was the break, and I don't even know what the break did. To my dismay, the emergency break wasn't working either, as I soon noticed.

So I was driving, or trying to drive rather, around in desolate, black with dirt and darkness, totally deserted streets, looking for what? I couldn't tell. It was too dark, and I was too intent on not crashing the old beast into a half-collapsed wall of the many around me. I was fairly sure I was futilely going around in circles -when I managed to go forward.

I finally sought shelter in an old container the interior of which looked pretty much like an inhabited home. Someone had their laundry hanged to dry across a high rope. I parked there and got out.

The street out front the container was uphill. I climbed higher while calling my friend. She answered, but sounded aloof, distracted. Busy. I hang up. Out of the blue, three men appeared with electric guitars in their hands. They were all very young, in their early twenties, and had their long blond sleek hair pulled back in tidy ponytails. My ear caught something about rehearsal for a concert, when they started playing the opening melody of "angels fall first". The cadences were muffled though, confused somehow, almost as if the three mysterious musicians were playing different parts of the familiar overture; but I would have recognized it anywhere regardless.

The guitarists disappeared just as abruptly as they had appeared, and I had no more reason to stay there. I returned to the container, only to find it had been reduced to a small box, and the car had transformed into an... '84-Nissan-Sunny-shaped fluffy slipper. Faded blue, very soft, and exactly my size.

Well, I thought, baffled as I picked it up. At least now it 's easier to take home.

Haunted

Flood, washing all sense away.

Thoughts in a snarl. Emotions in an uproar.

Haunted by the non-existence of a ghost. Who’s there? Me, only me.

Staring. At nothing in particular, seeing everything, perhaps for the first time.

Caught in that whirl, you thought you wouldn’t be able to swim, but you can, you can.

It’s surprising what you can easily do once you give it a try.

Counting down. Three, two, one. Ha, I’m airborne.

What caused this? There’s no cause, no reason.

No, no, there’s always a reason. If only you admit to it.

The change you sought is here.

Three, two, one. Here goes nothing…

(that’ll teach me to listen to Trevor Morris at midnight)

Pleasurist

I want to stand tall, upright against the wind, feel its soft caress on my arms, my face, my hair, legs firm, the burning sand under my feet, dip my toes in it, smile as it tickles.

I want to lie down on the beach, let the warm sun sink in every pore, fill my eyes, saturate my existence, the brine of the sea cooling off the scorch.

Dive in the blue depths, hold my breath and be one with their creatures, feel them all around me as I whirl and dive deeper still.

I want to raise my hands towards the sky under the pouring rain, dance with the thunder, be liberated.

Watch the sunset, shroud myself in its burning colors, bathe in the moonlight and sing to the stars.

I want to sink in your arms, muzzle you, dip my face in your neck, your hair, breathe you in, marvel at the soft sound of my name on your lips.

Feel the texture of your skin, the beating of your heart under the palm of my hand, luxuriate in the sensation of your touch, savor the moment.

Miss you and exult in the joy of our reunion...

Look deep in your eyes and call them home.

I want to taste everything delicious, smell everything enticing, feel everything sensational, see all things exquisite.

I want to laugh until my legs can’t hold me, cry until my eyes can’t see.

Run like the wind and fly amidst the clouds,

I want to dream and have the dream find me

Fight until my fingers bleed and celebrate the victory

I want to take pleasure out of every ticking of the clock

Feel you, myself, feel everything

Suck the very succulence of life.

Sleepless

Sleepless.

Thinking about the eyes.

Is there anything more beautiful than looking into a man's eyes?

Yes.

Looking into his eyes while lying in his arms.



I want to talk, write, find an adequate way of expression.

Tonight, I have none.

Παλιές Αμαρτίες: Να γίνει το νερό φωτιά

Ώρα μία παρά τέταρτο
μόνη στο δωμάτιο με τον Μπάμπη να μου τραγουδά

να γίνει το νερό φωτιά

Ανάβω ένα τσιγάρο
Τραβάω μια τζούρα.

κι εγώ σκυμένος μ’ άλλη

Σκέψεις που στροβιλίζονται στον νου μου...
Χειμώνες που πέρασαν
Καλοκαίρια που θα έρθουν
Άνθρωποι που είναι γύρω μου
Άνθρωποι που φύγαν
Εσύ.

φεγγάρι νύχτα μοναξιά

Βαρέθηκα πια να σκέφτομαι.
Κουράστηκα.

Mία παρά δέκα.
Άνθρωποι που μου λείπουν
Εσύ.

άραγε θά’ρθεις πάλι...

(25-03-1998, με αφορμή το τραγούδι «να γίνει το νερό φωτιά», Πυξ-Λαξ)

Insomnia

Once again I have no sleep tonight.
My mind is running by a thousand miles, dashing, fleeing,
measuring the past through memories, dull and vivid, far and near..
the present through lively feelings and overwhelming emotions,
the future through wistful dreams and formidable fears.

Time once again is not counted in minutes and hours,
but in glances, breaths and heartbeats.

Do I have what I want? Do I want what I have? Would I know if I did?

I don't fit anywhere anymore. My house can't contain me, my body can't contain me, the existing reality can't contain me.

I get lost again in blue seas and blue glances and blue feelings, in deep blue voices of comfort and hope.

I sink into the world I long for as I take off from a world that neither wants nor needs me.

I exist in both places, I walk in both paths, it exhausts, wears me out to be while not being, to know and suspect, to not know and yet be certain. I'm spent but I hold. I fly around the earth and crawl among clouds; I sing in silence and talk in tears. And, however infeasible, whoever does not comprehend my silence cannot ever comprehend my words...

Now, there is no place to tolerate me; there is nobody I can accept. The sun saddens me and the moon blinds my eyes, there is no shooting star to make a wish upon. The clouds ignore me, the rain passes me by, lightning meticulously avoids me. Seasons have ceased to exist, they have no meaning, they have become one, and still... everything is in my mind.

Actually, in reality I walk, talk, think too little and feel too much. In reality the sun burns my skin, the rain drenches me to the bone, lightning strikes indiscriminately, the stars are shooting every night but I can't see them, I can't see anything, because actually, in reality I'm sleeping...

......... I'm speeding down the highway in escape velocity with no destination.
Turns have transformed to straight lines, the road is empty, vacant, the sun breaks in the far distance, it's dawn and nature awakens with the thunderous roar of my engine. My heart beats like a drum, my head is throbbing, my eyes are burning, I laugh, I disown everything, I never really owned anything, I don't look back. No reason. No way.

No breaks.

[2007]