Sunday, February 27, 2011

Hate to love you



Just because I finally admitted the truth, the war in my mind won't seize.
For it was half the truth you saw and heard, half the truth I told you; what you don't know is that the other half is the one that will eventually determine our future, yours and mine together.

Like the time you told me that I'm an open book to you, and you couldn't understand when I warned you: it's the things you can't read that affect you the most. The things I could never say out loud.

Because you know I love you, but you can't even begin to suspect how much I hate it.
I hate how I love the way your eyes glisten in the dark when you look at me.
I hate how I love the way your arms feel around me, so warm and familiar and safe.

I hate how I miss you. I hate how I can't stand my ground, always running either to you or away from you.

I hate how I can never find peace since you entered my life, my thoughts, my feelings.

I hate that you seem to know me so well, and that I love it. 
I hate that I feel so different, I can't even recognize this mutated version of myself anymore. 
I absolutely abhor that the saying "it's hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration" seems to apply so much to me.

I hate how much I love your smile. I fucking hate how you always make me smile, how you always seem to know my wishes and grand them before I have a chance to word them. It's maddening.

Do you know my wishes? Do you know what I want? How? Hell, I don't even know what I want...

I can't stand the feeling of commitment, of permanency, that you have suddenly become so indispensable, so vital in my life.

I hate the way you cling onto me with  all your strength, how you hang from every word I say, like if I as much as breathe the wrong way I might break you.

I hate that loving you feels so magnificent and so much like a prison, restraining,  restricting, confining. As if I've willingly, or unwillingly- I can't really tell, put my own self in a box. Closed the cover too, and now I have no more air.

I hate how I need you. I never wanted to need anyone.

I hate that I feel I never had a choice, never stood a chance against you and your unrelenting persistence.

I hate that I've suddenly ran out of options.
Cause now, the price will be too high to pay, no matter what I choose to do.
I hate that pendulous blade hanging over my head.

I hate that I can't make up my mind to let you go...

...I hate how I forget to hate it when I'm in your arms, how all the reasons for hating dissolve, ever so fleetingly, and I just lose myself in you.

Fuck, how I hate the hold you have on me.






17 comments:

Я верю в Сталина said...

Κάποιος αγαπάει ή μου φαίνεται;

Καλημέρες

amfipolos said...

Δυσκολοχώνευτο το άθλημα ρε φίλε.. σκατά τα έκανα.
Καλημέρα..

Я верю в Сталина said...

:)

Αν δεν (την) πάθεις δεν θα μάθεις...

Πού τα έκανες σκατά;;;;

amfipolos said...

παντού!!! δεν διάβασες γιατρέ μου;
.....................

Я верю в Сталина said...

Έλα τώρα! δεν θέλω χαζά... Σκατά είναι να ερωτευθείς μαρή; Τότε εγώ πρέπει να δουλεύω σε αποχετεύσεις... χαχαχαχαχα

amfipolos said...

χαχα! γεια σου ρε γιατρέ... να γιατί δεν ήθελα με τίποτα να φύγεις!
it's a bit more complicated than that doc... in my head, that is.
I'm working on it though!

Я верю в Сталина said...

you should go on a strike, i think...

amfipolos said...

χαχαχα! δεύτερη επιτυχημένη ατάκα σήμερα! έχεις τρελλή ρέντα..
ναι, τελικώς νομίζω ότι μια απεργία θα με σώσει! is it your professional opinion that I think too much, then?...

Я верю в Сталина said...

both...

happypepper said...

2 κομμάτια που με κάνουν κομμάτια.
και τότε γίνομαι
dazed and confused!
xxx

amfipolos said...

Πιπέρη μου... πάει κι ό,τι μυαλό μου είχε απομείνει!! αυτό έχω να πω. Α, και... τραβάτε με κι ας κλαίω!
Θα την βγάλω την άκρη, πού θα μου πάει.

amfipolos said...

Υ.Γ.Λοιπόν Πιπέρη μου μόλις πριν λιγο συνειδητοποίησα ότι αναφερόσουν στα τραγούδια και στο κορυφαίο dazed and confused των Zeppelin.... φαντάσου. Όντως δεν εχει μείνει δράμι μυαλό. Χαιρετώ!

Dan Spix said...

the captivator of your soul has read this, right?

amfipolos said...

Welcome my friend...
no, he hasn't read it.
and things have changed a lot since then regardless. now I just don't hate! ;)
I think he always knew though...

Я верю в Сталина said...

and what do you feel instead?

Καλησπερα σας

amfipolos said...

lost in love!!!

καλώς τον...

Я верю в Сталина said...

Happy 2 hear about it... :))))))