Hate to love you

Just because I finally admitted the truth, the war in my mind won't seize.

For it was half the truth you saw and heard, half the truth I told you; what you don't know is that the other half is the one that will eventually determine our future, yours and mine together.

Like the time you told me that I'm an open book to you, and you couldn't understand when I warned you: it's the things you can't read that affect you the most. The things I could never say out loud.

Because you know I love you, but you can't even begin to suspect how much I hate it.

I hate how I love the way your eyes glisten in the dark when you look at me.

I hate how I love the way your arms feel around me, so warm and familiar and safe.

I hate how I miss you. I hate how I can't stand my ground, always running either to you or away from you.

I hate how I can never find peace since you entered my life, my thoughts, my feelings.

I hate that you seem to know me so well, and that I love it. 

I hate that I feel so different, I can't even recognize this mutated version of myself anymore. 

I absolutely abhor that the saying "it's hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration" seems to apply so much to me.

I hate how much I love your smile. I fucking hate how you always make me smile, how you always seem to know my wishes and grand them before I have a chance to word them. It's maddening.

Do you know my wishes? Do you know what I want? How? Hell, I don't even know what I want...

I can't stand the feeling of commitment, of permanency, that you have suddenly become so indispensable, so vital in my life.

I hate the way you cling onto me with  all your strength, how you hang from every word I say, like if I as much as breathe the wrong way I might break you.

I hate that loving you feels so magnificent and so much like a prison, restraining,  restricting, confining. As if I've willingly, or unwillingly- I can't really tell, put my own self in a box. Closed the cover too, and now I have no more air.

I hate how I need you. I never wanted to need anyone.

I hate that I feel I never had a choice, never stood a chance against you and your unrelenting persistence.

I hate that I've suddenly ran out of options.
Cause now, the price will be too high to pay, no matter what I choose to do.
I hate that pendulous blade hanging over my head.

I hate that I can't make up my mind to let you go...

...I hate how I forget to hate it when I'm in your arms, how all the reasons for hating dissolve, ever so fleetingly, and I just lose myself in you.

Fuck, how I hate the hold you have on me.